elegantly wasted

you only look at things that shine
but good things never shine on the outside
look at me, look inside

you waste your life, you waste my time
you just want a ``good life''

you run, you hide (from yourself)
I wait and I want
you to know that I'll be there...

look at all your lies
you're entangled, estranged and hate yourself
(hate yourself)
but I will be, be there, so close yet so far-
look at all your life-
it's been elegantly wasted

you just look at things that shine
but not all things that shine lead into a ``good life''

you're spirit's broke, and so's your heart
plain white lies, lead into a ``good life''?
(ah, sure-)
you may be right, but look at yourself

open your eyes, this ain't a ``good life''
I just want you to see, you're about to lead a life
that's just been elegantly wasted.

May 1997

dedicated to: Marian, and her favourite word is ``No.''
music: INXS

coco begins...

A friend assured me:
``She's an all or nothing...''
I wasn't worried, I wasn't overly concerned
My friend implored me:
``For one time only, make an exception...''
I didn't worry, I wasn't overly concerned
Thought I'd wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to coconut island
I wasn't worried, I wasn't overly concerned
with the status of my emotions
``Hey,'' she said, ``I don't wanna play.''
But we're always playing.

It does not bother me to talk about her mind
And I know it's not love for it's not love if you
wanna talk about the mind-
And I guess we could live with that...
Although I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Something between us, a presence, and she's no fool-
And I can always change my lies,
if that's what's on her mind?

My friend assured me:
``You've lost her forever.''
But I'm not really worried, I'm still not overly concerned
She'll try to tell herself the things she tries to tell herself
To make me forget
So I am not worried
``If I visit you,'' she said, ``the we're going to have to talk
about the consequences.''
She can't stop thinking.
I can't stop looking at her, and...
the first time I was lost for words.

I hope that this time, when kindness falls like rain
It washes away her fear and Coco begins to change her mind
``These seconds when you talked to me-
I was shuddering for days,'' she said.
And I wasn't ready for this sort of thing.

But I'm not gonna break, I'm not gonna change
I'm not gonna move away from her...
I know it seems that I should say ``Goodbye.''
But it's not all that easy, and I don't want to
snap her up in a butterfly net
pin her down on a photograph album
to show her around-that's not what I want
but it's that what she fears...

The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Coco begins to change my mind
And everytime I think of her, she turns into a mirror of my past
I know what she feels, I know what she hates-I know
for we are one of a kind...she's like I used to be.
And I'm getting nervous, for I still don't know
if I'm ready for this sort of thing.
And I keep talking in my sleep, I'm tossing and turning
and I can't get no sleep even in a quiet room...
It's too painful when I think about the consequences...
But maybe I'll strike a gong? Maybe she comes along?
Coco begins to fade away-
and I have nothing else to say:

``Too bad you've disappeared.''

Mai 1996

dedicated to: Colette, and her favourite word is ``Devil, YOU!''
music: Counting Crows

ashes of your past

She looks at her life and tries not to think of him
staring out the window, tears stained in her eyes
indecision's creaping up her neck and isn't kind-
turns into familiar cravings curling in the back of her mind...

Her eyes are glowing while she talks to me
her perfect lips are sweet and so is she,
a dream to be uncovered, so I sometimes ask myself and this ain't mad-
what would I give to be the guy living in her head?

She sits there and dreams of a cool fast life
while she lives the nightmare of a borrowed dream
and finally she looks into the mirror, and says-
``Hey I'm 27 and got no more time to scream...''

Reality bites, yet she's too proud to pull the sheets above her head
so she lies there silently waiting, much too alone in her bed...
while she stares at the ceiling and tries not to think of him-
and suddenly she realises that her feelings are gone...

Give me your hand, give me your soul
give me your all and everything
forgive me these words, don't wanna be unkind-
just want you to leave the ashes of your past behind...

May 1997

dedicated to: Nici, and her favourite words are ``Definitely Maybe''
music: dream theater

silent knigth

You won't find him here, you won't find him there
stop chasing him forever, you'll never know where he appears
and then there's nothing else to say, than just-
``Take your time and try another day...''

June 1997

dedicated to: Undine, an her suggestion is ``Wait for THE one''
music: dream theater

misplaced rendezvous

I've been lonely, I've been sad, yeah I know I'm mad-
but I've always stuck to my role and played my part...
now, I don't recall have I ever been that broke at heart.

What have you done to me? Am I just too blind to see...?
Lost for words to express the pain you put me through...
your're just another fucking misplaced rendezvous.

And then you turn me on, turn me on again, and again...

June 1997

dedicated to: well, she knows who she is
music: SAGA

no one loves you?

No one loves you when you're sad & lonely, touchin' a void when reaching out...
No one loves you when your heart's been torn to shreds from thunder clouds...
No one loves you when you listen to music from Tears for Fears...
No one loves you when you're anxioulsy confused & dazed...
No one loves you when you're feeling empty, shallow, hollow...
No one loves you when you warp yourself in sorrow...
No one loves you if you don't love yourself...

And when life kicks you and you're black & blue with bruises...
And you play with a fire's thrills just to find it surely kills...
Time's come to open at least one eye...
Now Darling, won't you try...?

Is there really no one who loves you?
No one who could love you?
Well, I loved you that night.

June, 1997

dedicated to: Nici, after a rainy night (listening to Tears for Fears) on June 13th
music: Marillion

``no.''

What's the sound of a head shaking?
What's the sound of a heart breaking?
What's the color of thinking about thinking what if...?
What's the use of saltwater flowing from my eyes...?

So, what now...?
All I want is you...
And all I get is ``no.''
...but my love is true.

June, 1997

dedicated to: Marian, after stormy phone calls on June 7th, 14th & 16th
involving a very red, very short dress...my favourite one, you bet.
music: Marillion

fourty
in memoriam

I wonder if you'll ever think of me?
I wonder if you'll look down on me?
While you float across the clouds towards a better world...

Oh memory, sweet memory...
please stay with me...
oh memory, sweet memory...
don't betray me...

We used to play like kids...
a ragged King & freckled Queen
I wonder if you ever could have been-
in love with me?
I wonder, for I still don't know...
and all I ever got was ``no.''

Oh memory, sweet memory...
please stay with me...
oh memory, sweet memory...
don't leave me...

When you're gone, pain will flow through me like champagne...
When you're gone, and this is true...
When you're gone, I'll kill myself and follow you...

June, 16th 1997

dedicated to: Marian, an epitaph to her 40th birthday, 2005 AD
music: Marillion

dead & gone

...in my head
it starts to rain
saltwater flows
a stingin' pain...

...hang my head
I know I'm mad
I know I'm wrong
it's just a song...

...in my heart
ain't no soul
ain't no groove
I just can't move...

...and my face
's full disgrace
what's at stake and how
much more can I take...

...and my soul
drowns in fear
so I pray for-
you to disappear...

black hole sun, dead & gone...
won't you come and wash away my tears?
black hole sun, dead & gone...
won't you come and take away my fears?
black hole sun, dead & gone...
won't you come?

June, 18th 1997

dedicated to: Marian, after her final ``no.''
music: Soundgarden

surrounded
with all my love

I know its easier to look away than look me in the eye-
But I have given all the love I had...
Now all what's left is but a shaking head?

I was blinded by a pair of eyes
when you looked at me
they silently promised me a paradise...
How could I possibly forgive you?
After all the pain you've put me through?

Yet, all I think is that it's time
for you to give up tenderly & finally surrender to me...

So, still I stand here waiting-
surrounded
with all my love...

June, 28th 1997

dedicated to: Marian, after tom & jenny's wedding
music: Dream Theater

broke
funeral for a child

when the hurley-burley's done
a love is lost, a war is won
the best die young they say, and may
become an idol for your kids...
so do beware!, watch out!, take care!

THOUSAND FACES

I'm a man with a thousand faces, but I only got one heart
it was broke by accident and maimed me from the start

CHILDHOOD LOST

sweet memory, won't you stay with me...?
sweet memory, why won't you stay with me?

EMPTYNESS

emptyness is filling me, hollow eyes are mine you see?
the time of passion's gone, still don't know where I belong
your loving hand caressing me, it's just a dream you see?

BLANK STARE

a cold blank stare, is that all what's left?
hopelessness is filling me, mingles with helplessness, you see...?

CARPE DIEM

I found myself a teacher for the blind, tell 'em to find
a footpath through the labyrinths of life to seize their day
while I create my masterplans

DEAD & GONE

when I was so much younger, and life was filled with wonder
I kept talking to myself, but now it's gone, all dead and gone

RAINCHECK

there was so much life in me, must be ages ago...
I used to be a different man but then one day...
just I took a raincheck you know?

DECEMBER PAIN

I will always remember, this night in december
when you quit my life, and for the first time I realised the pain of loss -

PERIMETER WALK

I'm just exploring the boundaries of myself...
trust me I know what I'm doing...

SLAUGHTER

watch the crimson tide, memories washed away by your laughter
feel like a whale stranded on the beach, ready for slaughter-

REARVIEW MIRROR

we could learn from the past but we're so bad at learning at all-
that's why we're doomed to repeat our mistakes, over and over again.

WIDEBOY

do me baby, there's nothing you must fear, for nothing's true
you filled my life with white lies, made the wide boy cry

MERCY FUCK

I give a damn for all you hypocrites, and I don't need no drug
or beg your mercy fuck to help through the day...

TIME

do never take a look at the clock,
life's ticking away, anyway...

AFRAID OF SUNLIGHT

When depression raises its ugly head, and fills my head
can't get a grip, can't get up, and stay in bed...

LOVE

I once reached out for love and was turned down
since then I only reach for life...

BLACK HOLE SUN

Oh, blackhole sun, won't you come?
Won't you come? And wash away my tears...?

WEIRDO

She says ``you're so weird today''
And I say, ``yeah, I just found myself-''

DREAM THEATER

In the theater of my dreams, emotions wave good-bye to long lost times...
I know it's over now, so let's talk about our crimes...

THE GREAT ESCAPE

So kill your idols, be yourself-
Thanks, good-bye and FUCK YOU, too.

CRUEL JOKE

...look what has become of me
strung out and broke
my life's a pain a misery
what else am I but-
a cruel joke?

June 1997

dedicated to: well, they know who they are
music: Dream Theater, Soundgarden, Marillion